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Diamonds and Pearls of WisdomThe DivorceWizards Blog, by Lynne DiamondTHE DIVORCE DANCESaturday, January 22, 2011 The dance you dance in the marriage is the same dance as you dance in the divorce!Only more so. In all my years as a divorce mediator, something never ceases to amaze me. Somehow, some people believe that when they surrender to divorce, their partner will magically revert to good behavior – or at least stop doing the behavior that was driving them crazy and probably led to the divorce. For example, let’s say trust is a big issue in the marriage. Well guess what, just because you tell you spouse you don’t trust them and want a divorce – they will not change their behavior into ways that make you trust them. Most likely the divorce proceedings will not foster a more trusting relationship. Or fighting. Let’s say you fight all the time and after years of fighting, you decide to get a divorce. Well guess what, most likely you will continue to fight all during the process of your divorce. Committing to the decision to get a divorce won’t miraculously stop the fighting. Can high conflict couples mediate? Usually yes…but only with the right mediator. Mediation is not a science but an art. Look for an experienced divorce mediator, someone who has mediated for a long time and has worked with a large number of clients. Choose a mediator who has a professional practice. Make sure the mediator has been in business in the same place for many years. That will assure you the mediator wants to do the right thing and a good job for you and also to protect their reputation and integrity. Neutrality and confidentiality are the cornerstones of mediation. The mediator is neutral and will not side with either party. You may be the one who is taking the initiative on the divorce or you may be the one who gets referred by a friend or a professional. Or your spouse might. Bear in mind, one of you will find the mediator. Just because the mediator talks to one of you first, or may have even met one of you before, doesn’t mean the mediator will side with that person. If the mediator has a prior relationship with either of you, ethics dictate they disclose that right at the beginning of the mediation. Mediation is private and confidential. Would you rather air all that dirty laundry in the public forum of the family court – or in the private haven of the mediator’s office. Stay committed to the process. Although the mediation process is not as stressful or expensive as a litigated divorce, it still might be stressful and expensive. And painful. So once you choose mediation, stay committed to the mediator and the process. If we can help you in your high conflict mediation, let us know. We have experts in child custody, financial distributions and support scenarios. |