Diamonds & Pearls

Divorce and Teen Drug Abuse

2012-01-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

Someone recently asked me whether there is a correlation between teen drug and alcohol abuse and divorce. What exactly are we asking - Does teen drug abuse cause divorce or does divorce cause teen drug abuse.

In the absence of hard statistics, I offer my simple opinion - yes and yes.

Teen drug/alcohol abuse is a family disease. Often parents become so frustrated and scared when they discover their teen is an abuser, they don't know where to turn. Family relationships become tense and in the absence of help, the family unit may dissolve. Sometimes, a teen may feel despondent when his parents are divorced or divorcing and may turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to escape and feel better.

Resources for teen drug problems are hard to find. Many treatment facilities cost upwards of $1000 per day payable in advance. The facilities do provide superbills for insurance reimbursement but often, few if any, services are actually covered. On the other hand, there are facilities available for low income families where middle class families are excluded from receiving services because their middle class incomes are too high.

Teen drug abuse is a growing problem and is one disease that is killing teenagers. The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University calls it the No. 1 public health problem in the United States.

According to the Orange County Register, 80 teenagers died in the past three years in South Orange County alone from HEROIN overdoses with the majority of those children living in the most upscale neighborhoods. No doubt similar statistics would apply in Los Angeles, San Diego, Marin, Santa Clara, and all over the State of California.

Here are two resources in Southern California who may be able to assist families with these challenges. Both utilize the 12 Step Program format, proven to be the most successful, (but not the only)way of dealing with addiction. Both consider addiction as a family disease and treat not only the addict but the entire family.

The first is the Positive Achievement Center at Chapman Hospital, Orange, CA. Their program is a comprehensive Drug and Alcohol Treatment Program for adults and adolescents, (the only adolescent chemical dependency unit within an acute hospital setting) in Orange County. The PAC offers a broad range of inpatient and outpatient services, including:

Intervention services are available 24 hours a day. Initial consultations are free and completely confidential. For more information, please call them at 800- 337-2966 Because it is a hospital program, the PAC may be more insurance friendly for many Californians.

Another program is BreakAway Health Corporation., an outpatient facility in Costa Mesa, CA. for over 24 years. Their programs are specifically designed to identify and address a broad spectrum of substance abuse/dependency issues through a blend of treatment modalities that have been proven to be the most effective for long lasting recovery. BreakAway provides both full time and part time treatment for young addicts including school credits recognized by the State of California and strong recommendations from several insurance companies. You can reach BreakAway at 714-957-8229.

One more resource is Al-anon, a 12 step program for families of addicts and alcoholics, both teen and adult. For teens suffering through their parents' dependencies, there is a program called Ala-teen. You can find more information at www.aa.org or www.al-anon.org .

These programs all have websites and are available to assist 24 hours a day.

Don't wait any longer - save your children and save your family!

Divorce Holiday Events

2011-11-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

My holiday anxiety has set in. I can feel the tension starting about Thanksgiving - who to invite, what to serve, will everyone have a good time.

And then the big holidays - where will we go? How will we celebrate? What about the presents - can we afford them this year?

We all need to relax around this time of year, particularly when going through the trauma of divorce and restructuring your family.

Here are a few year end events in Orange County to help you get through this joyful, but stressful season:

DIVORCE RECOVERY HOLIDAY GROUP - This divorce support group is being sponsored by Maxine Cohen, MFT. Maxine is a well known Orange County therapist and author. She is offering a 7 week program beginning in early November 2011 and running through December 27 one evening a week. The cost is $350 for the entire 7 week program. The group will meet for 1 1/2 to 2 hours at Maxine's Newport Center office. You can reach Maxine at 949.644.6435 or her website www.maxinecohen.com

DIVORCE PARENTING GROUP - This well known parenting program, Breakthrough Parenting is being offered by Jessica St. Clair, MFT. Jessica is a child therapist in Newport Beach and is also a court approved custody evaluator and special master. The program is offered on Tuesday evenings at Jessica's Newport Beach office centrally located near John Wayne airport. Contact Jessica at 714.568.1111 or on her website www.jessicastclair.com for more information on this court approved parenting skill development program.

DIVORCE FINANCIAL RECOVERY GROUP - This four week series offered by Karen Caporaso, C.F.P., C.D.F.A. will explore financial planning for divorce. Four evening meetings are scheduled in November at Karen's Irvine Corporate Park offices. Call her for more information at 949.336.6440 or at her website www.commonwealthoc.net

DIVORCE SUPPORT GROUP - This ongoing divorce support group is member run and available to anyone going through a divorce. The group meets on Thursday evenings in Lake Forest and also sponsors activities throughout the year. You must make a reservation to attend. There is no charge for this group. More information is available on www.meetup.com/NewBeginnings-OC/. Contact Sherry Adler for more information.

FACING YOUR FEARS...This group offers techniques to look at what might be stopping you from reaching your dreams and goals. By bringing these obstacles into consciousness, you can start to eliminate the fear and move toward realizing more of the potential within you. Meetings are sponsored by Suzanne Zetz, MFT and held at her Dove Street, Newport Beach office on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays at a cost of $70-$80 per session. Call Suzanne at (714) 922-0052 for more information.

If you are aware of any other groups we should be listing on our website to help divorcing families, do let us know.

And of course if you know anyone getting a divorce, we are always available to help!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Is Spousal Support Severance Pay...Happiness Tax...Entitlement...?

2011-08-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

I met with a client a few weeks ago who described spousal support as the “severance pay” she deserved. After all, she put up with all his “crap” over the years so she was entitled to enjoy the good life, sans him, for several years to come.

What is severance pay? Severance pay, also known as “separation pay” is often offered to an employee when the company wants the employee to leave. There is no firing for cause and the employee has done nothing wrong – but the employer may want to downsize and eliminate the position or restructure for the same effect. Or maybe trade the employee in for a younger version.

Often large companies pay severance pay. At Merrill Lynch, when I was employed there years ago, the severance package was one week of salary for every one year of employment to a maximum of twenty six weeks. Fair? Probably – a long term employee would have six months of pay and theoretically have time to become self sufficient.

Another client described spousal support as happiness tax. He accepted the payment of spousal support as his ticket to leaving an unhappy marriage and settling in with a happy girlfriend. The price one pays for happiness – monthly payments to the former spouse.
So is spousal support severance pay in California? Is it like a salary to give the lower earning partner time to regroup and become self sufficient? How about the length of spousal support? Sometimes payments may extend over years, even decades. Is that severance pay?

Or happiness tax. The price you pay to move on in life.

What are your thoughts? Does long term spousal support make sense in a long term marriage? Or is the severance pay too much for too long? Or too little too late? Should the state impose a “happiness tax” when people decide to get divorced?

What do you think?

CA Divorce Mediator - How to Choose The Best 4U

2011-06-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

Once you and your spouse decide to resolve your divorce by mediation, how do you go about finding the right mediator for you?

There are a number of steps to take to find the best mediator for your situation.

Start with referrals. Have any of your friends mediated their divorce? Whose services did they use?

Look for a mediator who is experienced in your community. Look for someone who works out of an office rather than one who works out of their car. Someone who has a reputation of integrity and professionalism and wants to maintain that reputation in their community.

Don’t be afraid to interview the mediator your spouse might find. This is a common difficulty in mediation. Usually one of the parties finds the mediator. It may be a referral or it may be through independent research but rarely do both parties find the same mediator at the same time. If your spouse finds a mediator, stay open to working with that person. Interview them to see how you feel about them.

Be wary of attorney mediators who represent one party. By nature, an attorney’s charge is to vigorously represent their client. So if the attorney is the attorney of record for your spouse, beware – and be sure you understand if there could be any negative consequences for you.

You may want to work with a mediator who you feel you have some things in common with. While no mediator will experience identical circumstances to you – if you have minor children, you may want to hire a mediator who also has minor children. If you are self employed, you may want to work with a self employed mediator. Experienced mediators are flexible and will be able to help you with a wide range of circumstances, but sometimes you may feel more comfortable working with someone like yourself.

Be sure to interview potential mediators. You should feel a connection with your mediator. You should also feel they are neutral and you can trust them. You will be sharing many intimate details of your financial life and sometimes details of your personal life so you need to be sure you feel safe and comfortable with your mediator.

Your mediator should inform you about your privacy rights in mediation and any particular rules your state has about confidentiality and the admissibility of evidence if the case does not resolve in mediation.

Divorce & Addiction

2011-06-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

Are divorce and addiction related? Sure. Addiction is a double edged sword in divorce.

There are many flavors of addicts – alcohol, drug, gambling, sex, anger, violence - just to name a few. Addicts usually become difficult to live with. Life becomes chaotic and out of control as addicts rage in and out of sobriety and activity. For a period of time, a partner may accept the addiction, maybe even enable it – but then the partner usually gets ready to move on unless action is taken to deal with the addiction. At this point, one of the parties may want to take action to end the marriage.

Sometimes, the threat of losing their spouse will inspire the addict to seek help; although sometimes divorce is not a low enough bottom for an addict to take action. In those instances where the addict is able to curb the addiction, the couple may then be willing to work on rebuilding the marriage.

On the other side of the coin, curbing the addiction may be worse for the marriage and lead to its destruction. The addict may experience challenges while getting help and getting sober. As the addict recovers, their behavior changes and may pose new problems to the relationship. Or the addiction may be gone but the obnoxious personality lives on.

Addictions make divorce even more challenging. If you are involved in a marriage with an addict, we can help. While mediation is very challenging and usually high conflict, it is far preferable than airing your dirty laundry on public record and in the Court. Please call us for a compassionate, confidential complimentary consultation.

Collaborative Divorce - NOT

2011-05-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

I was having lunch with a therapist friend of mine the other day. She informed me she referred one of her clients to a collaborative divorce attorney.

What?

IMHO, collaborative divorce is a way too expensive process.

The first meeting typically entails six to eight professionals meeting with the parties to hammer out the terms of the contract to do business. By six to eight professionals, I mean two attorneys, two therapist coaches, a parenting expert or two, one or two financial planners. More experts can be added to the mix if the parties are very wealthy and/or need more input. The attorneys are bound by the collaborative agreement - if the collaborative process doesn’t work, the parties must then hire new attorneys to litigate the matter in court. In some parts of the country, the involved professionals reduce their fees but in California, every professional sitting at the table is charging their full fee – usually ranging from $150 an hour to $400 or $500 an hour.

What I hate the most about collaborative divorce is that it cuts out the mediator. Attorneys who supported divorce mediation from its early days are now practicing the collaborative way. Collaborative divorce is very time consuming so for those charging by the hour, it is very lucrative. Also, the family Courts embrace collaborative law and are very supportive of the process.

It would seem to me, if you are going to spend $65,000 on an out of court divorce, it might serve you better to try to stay married and hire all the above professionals to help you figure out how to do that. After all, if you have a financial planner advising you about your money issues and a parenting expert advising you about your parenting issues and a therapist coaching you through the rough spots in life – add a few trips to the gym each week and maybe just maybe you can get enough assistance to stay married.

I am not saying collaborative divorce is never indicated. In certain cases, where one party is lying and cheating, the other party may not be able to participate in an out of court settlement without an attorney by their side every step of the way. Think Arnold Schwarzenegger. As much as I believe strongly in divorce mediation, I am not sure if his creepy behavior lends itself to an unprotected negotiation.

But for most people like you and me, a mediated divorce will be far less expensive and equally effective as the collaborative alternative. At the end of the day, fifty-fifty is fifty-fifty regardless of whether it took $65,000 in a collaborative process to get there or $6500 in a mediated divorce.

THE DIVORCE DANCE

2011-01-22T17:41:00.000-08:00

The dance you dance in the marriage is the same dance as you dance in the divorce!

Only more so.

In all my years as a divorce mediator, something never ceases to amaze me. Somehow, some people believe that when they surrender to divorce, their partner will magically revert to good behavior – or at least stop doing the behavior that was driving them crazy and probably led to the divorce.

For example, let’s say trust is a big issue in the marriage. Well guess what, just because you tell you spouse you don’t trust them and want a divorce – they will not change their behavior into ways that make you trust them. Most likely the divorce proceedings will not foster a more trusting relationship.

Or fighting. Let’s say you fight all the time and after years of fighting, you decide to get a divorce. Well guess what, most likely you will continue to fight all during the process of your divorce. Committing to the decision to get a divorce won’t miraculously stop the fighting.

Can high conflict couples mediate?

Usually yes…but only with the right mediator.

Mediation is not a science but an art. Look for an experienced divorce mediator, someone who has mediated for a long time and has worked with a large number of clients. Choose a mediator who has a professional practice. Make sure the mediator has been in business in the same place for many years. That will assure you the mediator wants to do the right thing and a good job for you and also to protect their reputation and integrity.

Neutrality and confidentiality are the cornerstones of mediation.

The mediator is neutral and will not side with either party. You may be the one who is taking the initiative on the divorce or you may be the one who gets referred by a friend or a professional. Or your spouse might. Bear in mind, one of you will find the mediator. Just because the mediator talks to one of you first, or may have even met one of you before, doesn’t mean the mediator will side with that person. If the mediator has a prior relationship with either of you, ethics dictate they disclose that right at the beginning of the mediation.

Mediation is private and confidential. Would you rather air all that dirty laundry in the public forum of the family court – or in the private haven of the mediator’s office.

Stay committed to the process. Although the mediation process is not as stressful or expensive as a litigated divorce, it still might be stressful and expensive. And painful. So once you choose mediation, stay committed to the mediator and the process.

If we can help you in your high conflict mediation, let us know. We have experts in child custody, financial distributions and support scenarios.

Divorce Closure

2007-05-10T09:09:00.000-07:00

Finding Closure

There are a number of ways to bring closure to your divorce. For some people, closure of the relationship begins when the decision to get divorced is made.

For others, closure comes when the papers are filed or when they are stamped as final by the Judge.

For still others, ongoing counseling helps bring necessary closure - or chatting, consulting or processing with other close friends and professionals.

Some folks like to perform ceremonies - light some sage and burn it in the house to rid the house of the spirit of former mates; rip up some photos or old clothes.

Someone told me about two great web sites that address closure in divorce.

The first, http://www.weddingringcoffins.com Yep - they sell coffins so one can give your wedding ring a full burial ceremony coffin and all. Had to laugh out loud on that one.

Another, highly entrepreneurial person, must also be in L.A. offers divorce party planning. She has ready made invitations, decorations, games to play and so on. Divorce is just another reason to celebrate, I suppose. You can check out this offer at http://www.divorcepartyplanner.com

We're curious, how did you bring closure to your divorce or break up?

Parental Alienation Syndrome and Alec Baldwin

2007-05-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

Parental Alientation Syndrome - when one parent tries to convince their children that the other parent is bad news.

Sometime the Other Parent IS Bad News
Sometimes the other parent is bad news. I had a case a few years ago where the Husband fell in love with his neighbor's wife. To be close to their respective families, Husband and Neighbor's wife rented a house right at the end of the block - so they could be close to their families.

As it turned out, Neighbor's wife was already close with Husband's family since she was their teacher at the local public school.

Got pregnant

Then, as a show of even more closeness, Neighbor's wife got pregnant with Husband's child and - as expected - proudly carried that baby to school each and every day.

Husband accused his wife - soon to be former wife - of parental alientation syndrome. Blaming her for the estrangement of his kids from him.

Why would a parent not want their child to have the love and affection of the other parent? Why would someone be so filled with vengeance they would take it out on their child and try to turn them against their other parent?

Maybe these parents should look within and see where their responsibility lies in the whole parental alienation paradigm, Alec!

Orange County Mediation Day

2007-03-24T20:38:00.000-07:00

Conference
I attended a conference yesterday in honor of Orange County Mediation Day. I went to a workshop presented by my old friend, Mari Frank who is a fabulous speaker. Mari is a nationally recognized expert in Identity Theft and Privacy protection. She has been interviewed on countless national television shows, has written two books and hosts a Wednedsay evening radio show on KUCI-FM.

Privacy in Mediation
One of the points that Mari emphasized is the privacy of mediation. There is no other way to get divorced that protects your privacy as well as mediation. In divorce litigation, every word is public record. Financial records are disclosed in the process and many personal and intimate details of people's lives become part of a court public record.

Confidentiality Protected by Law

The Confidentiality of Mediation is protected by law. There are a number of evidence codes in place to ensure that participants feel comfortable participating in mediation. Mari stressed that privacy is more than just confidentiality. In California, there are a number of laws that protect our privacy. As a matter of fact, the right to privacy is the first right of the California (but not the Federal) constitution.

Mediation is a better divorce choice

Give mediation a try. If you don't like it, you have only wasted an hour of your time and a few hundred dollars. You can always switch to litigation. But if you choose litigation, it will be very hard to switch back to mediation. Be open to it and it will most likely work for you.

California Divorce Update

2007-03-09T11:54:00.000-08:00

Are all the loose ends tied?

Are you divorced? Have you taken care of the necessary details to divide your property, pay off your debt or change your name? Have you bothered to get the QDRO or notarize the interspousal transfer deeds?

If you completed your divorce without attorneys, and sometimes even if you were represented by attorneys, there are loose ends that need to be completed when the Judgment is final. Don't let this happen to you!

Henry gave Lori Money to pay off their debts ---

Henry and Lori completed a simple summary dissolution divorce. On the paperwork, they indicated there were no assets and no debts. They both signed a form stating that. Turns out, there were debts and Henry gave Lori the money to pay them off and remove his name.

Today, Henry and his new wife, Linda want to buy a home. Guess what - Lori did not pay off the bills and Henry is still on the hook for these debts. What makes it worse, is that Henry has no recourse because he indicated in his divorce that there were no debts!

Doug and Monica - remember them ---

Doug was awarded a business/property out of the State of California. Monica should have signed an interspousal transfer deed on this years ago. Now, Doug is selling the property and Monica doesn't want to sign the deed. So Doug's escrow will be interrupted and the entire sale may be jeopardized.

If you need a deed or a qdro; don't know how to complete a name change - let us know - we can help.

Oh No! Spousal Support

2007-01-30T13:00:00.001-08:00

Those of you who are in the middle of or beginning a California divorce will soon learn what the dreaded words "spousal support" mean. Dreaded because if you are the payor, the spousal support will be too much and if you are the payee, the spousal support will not be enough.

The purpose of spousal support is not well defined anywhere so there are a lot of myths as to what spousal support should be. There are those who believe that spousal support should allow both parties to enjoy the same lifestyle as they did when married. There are others who feel that spousal support should serve as a bridge to transition from a married life to a single life. That being said, the goal in California is for both parties to become self supporting some day.

You would think a Dissomaster calculation would be enough to figure this out. But that would be way too simple. Spousal support is far more complicated than that!

A recent case was heard in the California Court of Appeals regarding a Spousal Support Order issued by an Orange County, CA Judge. This case emphasized that spousal support relates to the standard of living of the marriage - not the lifestyle the parties are living today. The other statutory factors in determining spousal support include: contributions to the supporting spouse’s education,
training, or career; the supporting spouse’s ability to pay; the needs of each party, based on the marital standard of living; the obligations and assets of each party; the duration of the marriage; the opportunity for employment without undue interference with the children’s interests; the age and health of the parties; tax consequences; the balance of hardships to the parties; the goal that the supported party be self-supporting within a reasonable period of time; and the fudge factor - any other factors deemed just and equitable by the court.

Let us know what you think about spousal support!

I Hate You...Now Let's Co-Parent

2007-01-25T16:48:00.000-08:00

I have been working with Doug and Monica for seven years now. They have been divorced for about five years and have three children together. We are on a retainer of sorts to help them work through post divorce issues as they come up.

The thing is, this couple totally does not get along! They would probably rather spit at each other than work together on anything, let alone difficult parenting challenges.

The literature encourages parents to get along after divorce "for the sake of the children" and "join together to co-parent". That is probably the ideal. Many divorced people just can't co-parent. So what can they do?

I have created an approach to parenting that I call "Side By Side Parenting". That is a way for parents who can't co-parent to work together to help their kids.

It goes something like this.

Let's say the child is failing in school. He is a smart kid, never had any problems in school - until now. What to do? Try this. Each parent makes a written plan on how they will help the child through this difficult time. Even just a list of ideas - meet with teachers; write a contract; take the child to counseling; review assignments daily; no more sports until grades improve and so on. Then compare lists and mesh them together. Parents can then choose which parts of the plan they will implement.

Voila - co-parenting accountability without the emotional background noise.

Try it - let me know if it works for you.

Estate Planning Basic Information

2006-12-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

Estate planning is a topic that most of us would rather avoid. Part of maturing is facing these issues and providing for your children and your property which you have worked so hard to accumulate. Sometimes life's events trigger the desire to get this done and over with. During a divorce or after the death of a parent, estate planning may take on new meaning for you. We can simplify this process.

A living trust is a plan - a plan to care for your loved ones, your children and property - when you pass on to the next place in the journey of life. If you don't have a plan, your state of residence takes over. Think D.M.V. Do you want those folks handling your affairs when you go?

When a person dies, their estate is governed by probate, the legal process for paying their final bills, distributing their property and determining the guardian for any remaining minor children. Probate is a lengthy process, the average case taking one or two years to complete. Often assets are frozen pending Court orders. It is also costly with it's court, legal and probate fees. And, like most other court hearings, it's public record.

A living trust is an alternative to probate. Once established, with all of your property properly titled in the name of the trust, it's very easy for your successor trustee to handle your affairs. The process is much quicker, less expensive and more private than probate. There is no need for your assets to be frozen, no requirement about publication of your death be made and your affairs remain very private, a comfort to your family in their time of despair.

To get started on your estate plan, please visit the below link:
Divorce Wizards Estate Plan

December Divorce Drama

2006-12-15T16:54:00.000-08:00

In December, the divorce business is typically slow. Not many families are divorcing in December. With the stress and activities related to the holidays, most people are thinking - "after the first of the year" if they are thinking about it at all.

But those who do come in in December, are usually the most dramatic of the year. The December divorces often have to do with extra-marital affairs. This is the time of year when that extra holiday stress becomes apparent for the "other woman/man". Most marrieds feel they need to spend the holidays with their families, leaving the "other" to fend for themselves. This often creates a lot of drama in the extra-marital fling.

The December couples who come in are usually having an affair. They are either the affair-er (as in - I am having an affair and want to get divorced today) or the affair-ee (my wife/husband is having an affair and I am so over it now - how do I get divorced today). A bit of drama there - but these couples usually go quietly.

Then there is Tracy and Mark. Tracy and Mark have been married for 13 years, unhappy for 12 and a half. Tracy decided to take up with her neighbor across the street - neighbors are always a bad move! When Mark took the children skiing for the weekend, Tracy went on a love fest with her boyfriend. Tracy's BF bought her a pair of very sexy, black, stiletto boots while they were gone. And unfortunately, Tracy forgot to bring them with her. So the hotel contacted BF on his cell phone, but they could not reach him. So some eager employee contacted BF at his office. Since his daughter is working as his receptionist - she got the call about the black, high heeled boots that he had left in his hotel room. All the hotel wanted to know, was where to send the boots. So she asked her mother!!!

Needless to say, it was quite a scene when BF's wife got the report from the PI. Yes, that is your neighbor in those photos with your husband. Can you guess what she did when she saw the report - you got it - went immediately to Tracy and Mark's house to share with Mark. And since their kids all play together, they were sure to let the children know something sordid was going on.

Sordid December - may be slow - but sure has drama!

My Thanksgiving Day Blog

2006-11-24T17:13:00.000-08:00

Miriam came in to see me about divorcing her husband, Rabbi Jacques. Rabbi Jacques lives on the East Coast and Miriam moved back to CA about six months ago. While she and the Rabbi have their issues, she told me this really nice Thanksgiving story. Rabbi Jacques used to be a head honcho at a large, wealthy congregation where he received a large and healthy income. Tired of the politics and the inability to get anything done, Rabbi Jacques left and started his own congregation where all of his members saw things his way.

Some members of the Congregation went to the Urban Food Bank last week to help prepare meals so the hungry folks - I think they are now called food challenged or something like that - would have a hearty meal for Thanksgiving. At the Food Bank, Rabbi Jacques learned that 75 families would not be getting a Thanksgiving meal due to lack of funds. Cost to provide for all was another $2600.

Rabbi Jacques immediately picked up the phone - and in about 2 hours, he raised $1300 from his congregants. He went ahead and told the Food Bank to go ahead and order the food - he was confident his congregation would cover the rest of the bill.
Then he made some more calls and raised the rest of the money.

No committees, no consultants, no white papers - just simple acts of loving kindness. Our wish for you this holiday season is that you catch yourself doing simple acts of loving kindness. Even if you are angry at your spouse. A simple kindness goes a long way.

The 9 Year Old Restraining Order

2006-11-20T19:05:00.000-08:00

My client's 9 year old son Slate started to have some discipline problems in school. He was getting a little rowdy and being sent to the office or teacher on more than one occasion. When his mom quizzed him about it, he kept blaming Richie, one of the other kids. No matter what happened, when Richie was around, Slate got in trouble.

Mom told Slate that this was not an acceptable excuse. She told him that she holds him accountable for his own actions and that he can't keep blaming Richie. She let him know that he needs to stay away from Richie if Richie keeps "getting him into trouble".

A few days later, while she was driving him to school, she asked Slate about Richie and how that situation was going. He told her that he advised Richie that he was getting a restraining order against him and that Richie could not be within a five foot radius of him at any time.

it worked - --

Steve Nash is Having a Bad Hair Day

2006-11-17T15:04:00.000-08:00

I don’t think Steve Nash gets it. I know this blog is a stretch from divorce, but maybe someone will enlighten the great basketball coaches of our generation. When a player is having a bad hair day, they simply cannot win. They lose their focus from their game and focus on their bad hair.

Remember a few years ago, when the Lakers had one of their heartbreaking seasons – well Rick Fox was having a bad hair day – actually a bad hair season. He just could not figure out what to do with his hair. He tried a ponytail; pulling back the front ends into a ponytail and leaving the back hang down, blah blah. And no matter what, he just couldn’t get his hair right. Too bad Kwame Brown was not around at that time to show Rick the cool cornrow/braid combo that he has.

And now Steve Nash. Did you see what he did to his hair. Oh-my-gosh! That beautiful silky Steve Nash hair – the hair he so delicately pushed behind his ears – is now gone? Steve – how do you expect to get back in your game with that lousy hair cut? Last game against Memphis – only 11 points? Come on Steve, let your hair grow back so you can get into your game.

Is there a divorce message here? Yes - when your loved ones start acting or looking different, take notice and try to figure out what is going on. Chance are, there is some thinking going on that you haven't noticed. Things like people's hair or clothes are keys to better understanding who they are and how they are feeling.

The Attorney Trust (ha ha) Fund

2006-11-16T14:30:00.000-08:00

A client came in the other day asking me to help her complete some ancillary paperwork to her divorce. She need a Qualified Domestic Relations Order to divide her husband’s retirement plan and a wage assignment to have her spousal support sent directly from his employer to her bank account. She had just finished her two year, $9000 Orange County Divorce. I told her the time frame was about average and the cost was very reasonable compared to many others. Her attorney billed at $250 rather than $450 the going rate today in major metropolitan California areas.

Debbie told me that she and her husband sold their house about three weeks after the divorce began. They made a $300,000 profit and had agreed to split the net proceeds from the sale. Because they were still litigating, the funds went into Debbie’s attorney’s trust (ha ha) fund. About a year later, Debbie’s daughter announced the good news of her wedding – Debbie had to borrow money to give her daughter a wedding because her house money was still sitting in the attorney trust (ha ha) fund.

Debbie’s husband and his attorney signed the judgment for divorce in June and Debbie’s attorney finally got around to it in October. Since Debbie was unable to get through to her attorney to get her money, she found a friend of a friend who was willing to help… another attorney. So when he called Debbie’s attorney at 5 to 5 on Friday, Debbie’s attorney agreed to release Debbie’s funds. However, she was firing Debbie and refused to complete any more of the required paperwork for her. My good luck!

Oh – here is the ha ha part. Debbie did not receive any interest of her money. All the interest on funds in the attorney trust (ha ha) account goes to the California State Bar for the benefit of it’s attorney members.

Brittney broke the news via text messaging

2006-11-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

People often ask how to break the news to their spouse that they have decided to file for divorce. Tough question and the answer depends on your situation. I often suggest you tell your spouse at his best time of the day and week. Whether that be in the morning or the evening – weekday or weekend. I also suggest you take the entire blame – even though it is never one person’s fault. Take total responsibility. I never thought of suggesting a text message – IMDivorcingU! That sums it up! Both have requested sole custody in spite of the fact that joint custody is more favorable to the children.

Brittney had the benefit of the wisdom of her $1000 an hour Beverly Hills attorney in preparing an "airtight" pre-nuptial agreement. The new Mr. Spears would be extremely limited in his ability to benefit from the Brittster's fortune. Even gifts were designated as community and separate property. And his spousal support would be limited at about $150,000 per year of marriage - not bad for a bad singer anyway.

But nothing is airtight as we are finding out. Brittney's exhibitionism and ego ruined that. So Maybe she will not be sharing much money with hubby of the moment in their divorce settlement, but she will be paying him off bigtime - huge time - for not releasing those tapes. And where were those in the $1000 an hour prenup? Didn't Barbara Streisand have something in her pre-nup that didn't allow for any tapes or books to be published?

One area that are not addressed by pre-nups - because the State of CA rules this against public policy - is determinations of child custody and support. So this is where Mr. Spears will get Brittney - in the worst possible place - the children. So now they will be in the middle, big time. At least they are young and won't really understand what is going on - of course - until they get older and understand big time!

Broadcom Former CEO Henry Nicholas

2006-11-03T15:46:00.000-08:00

Is getting divorced. Now the thing about Henry is that he left his position at Broadcom corporation about two years ago so he could mend his relationship with his family. Huh? Who does that? Totally quits their job to spend time with their family. Henry, are you familiar with balance? Apparently not. The trick is to be able to have a successful family life while you are having a successful business life – what were you thinking? Did you really think if you totally concentrated on your family, you could fix something that has probably been broken for a long time? So now Henry, after two years, you are succumbing to become another divorce statistic. And you are also a neighbor of mine in Orange County, CA. The reason why Henry’s divorce was headlines in the Business Section was to point out the concerns when your spouse owns a share of your business. The article wisely recommends having some type of agreement so that an estranged spouse cannot undermine the inner workings of a business should divorce strike the principals. Good advice.

I Know Nothing Good Comes From Divorce...

2006-10-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

My friend told me that when she came to pick up her son from a play date with my son. She thanked me for keeping her kid all day; told me the baby took a long nap; and she and her hubby had a chance to talk and decided to get a divorce.

"I disagree" I told her. Often, not always, good things come out of divorce. Here are some examples. Sometimes, an uninvolved father turns into a really good dad when a stressful marriage is put to rest. Sometimes, either or both people may meet their soul mate and live happily ever after with them. Sometimes, the person without a career may develop a successful career which makes them more happy than staying home as a married.

Not true, I say. Many good things may come from divorce. Actually the woman who said that to me ended up reconciling with her husband. Once they were pushed against the wall, they decided to try to save their marriage. And why not? Marriage is something certainly worth saving. There are those who think the grass is greener on the other side – one divorced woman once told me that sometimes, there isn’t even any grass – only dirt. So certainly try to save your marriage if you can. If not, at least save the divorce. Go the peaceful route so you won’t need to hold on to bitterness for the rest of your life.

Whitney Houston, Welcome to the Neighborhood

2006-10-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

Just a few weeks ago, we welcomed Whitney to our neighborhood in Orange County. She moved here and filed for Legal Separation from husband Bobby. Then last Friday, we heard that she amended her legal separation to a divorce. We know why she did that – no mystery – although the media would have you believe otherwise – she probably didn’t meet the residency requirement for filing in Orange County – that is, living here for three months – so her only choice, if she wanted to file quickly, was to go for a Legal Separation and wait for the three months to pass, then switch to a divorce. She requested physical custody with Bobby Brown getting rights of visitation. That means the kids will live with her, right here in my neighborhood, and Bobby can see them according to the schedule they work out. Wonder what the child support will be? And how about spousal support? Who will pay whom?

Maybe we can find out and let you know

Paul McCartney, I'm available

2006-10-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

Can't say that I'm sorry that Paul McCartney is getting a divorce from Heather Mills. She never even heard of the Beatles when she was growing up -- so what's up with that. A few years ago, I watched a PM music video and saw how they interacted - very sarcastic and biting conversation - certainly not what the sweet Beatle deserved.

And now public allegations and accusations - isn't there enough money to go around for a nice quiet settlement. Why air the dirty laundry? Heather, Paul - have you not heard of confidential mediation? It's better for the kids - why should baby Beatrice need to hear all this.

When you get divorced, you should consider all the options concerning the process. One option is to mediate - another is to be a drama queen. Mediation is cheaper and less stressful. Drama queen/king is expensive, takes a long time, and hurts everyone around you, most of all you.