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Diamonds and Pearls of WisdomThe DivorceWizards Blog, by Lynne DiamondDivorce ClosureThursday, May 10, 2007 Finding ClosureThere are a number of ways to bring closure to your divorce. For some people, closure of the relationship begins when the decision to get divorced is made. For others, closure comes when the papers are filed or when they are stamped as final by the Judge. For still others, ongoing counseling helps bring necessary closure - or chatting, consulting or processing with other close friends and professionals. Some folks like to perform ceremonies - light some sage and burn it in the house to rid the house of the spirit of former mates; rip up some photos or old clothes. Someone told me about two great web sites that address closure in divorce. The first, http://www.weddingringcoffins.com Yep - they sell coffins so one can give your wedding ring a full burial ceremony coffin and all. Had to laugh out loud on that one. Another, highly entrepreneurial person, must also be in L.A. offers divorce party planning. She has ready made invitations, decorations, games to play and so on. Divorce is just another reason to celebrate, I suppose. You can check out this offer at http://www.divorcepartyplanner.com We're curious, how did you bring closure to your divorce or break up? Parental Alienation Syndrome and Alec BaldwinSaturday, May 05, 2007 Parental Alientation Syndrome - when one parent tries to convince their children that the other parent is bad news.Sometime the Other Parent IS Bad News Sometimes the other parent is bad news. I had a case a few years ago where the Husband fell in love with his neighbor's wife. To be close to their respective families, Husband and Neighbor's wife rented a house right at the end of the block - so they could be close to their families. As it turned out, Neighbor's wife was already close with Husband's family since she was their teacher at the local public school. Got pregnant Then, as a show of even more closeness, Neighbor's wife got pregnant with Husband's child and - as expected - proudly carried that baby to school each and every day. Husband accused his wife - soon to be former wife - of parental alientation syndrome. Blaming her for the estrangement of his kids from him. Why would a parent not want their child to have the love and affection of the other parent? Why would someone be so filled with vengeance they would take it out on their child and try to turn them against their other parent? Maybe these parents should look within and see where their responsibility lies in the whole parental alienation paradigm, Alec! Orange County Mediation DaySaturday, March 24, 2007 ConferenceI attended a conference yesterday in honor of Orange County Mediation Day. I went to a workshop presented by my old friend, Mari Frank who is a fabulous speaker. Mari is a nationally recognized expert in Identity Theft and Privacy protection. She has been interviewed on countless national television shows, has written two books and hosts a Wednedsay evening radio show on KUCI-FM. Privacy in Mediation One of the points that Mari emphasized is the privacy of mediation. There is no other way to get divorced that protects your privacy as well as mediation. In divorce litigation, every word is public record. Financial records are disclosed in the process and many personal and intimate details of people's lives become part of a court public record. Confidentiality Protected by Law The Confidentiality of Mediation is protected by law. There are a number of evidence codes in place to ensure that participants feel comfortable participating in mediation. Mari stressed that privacy is more than just confidentiality. In California, there are a number of laws that protect our privacy. As a matter of fact, the right to privacy is the first right of the California (but not the Federal) constitution. Mediation is a better divorce choice Give mediation a try. If you don't like it, you have only wasted an hour of your time and a few hundred dollars. You can always switch to litigation. But if you choose litigation, it will be very hard to switch back to mediation. Be open to it and it will most likely work for you. California Divorce UpdateFriday, March 09, 2007 Are all the loose ends tied?Are you divorced? Have you taken care of the necessary details to divide your property, pay off your debt or change your name? Have you bothered to get the QDRO or notarize the interspousal transfer deeds? If you completed your divorce without attorneys, and sometimes even if you were represented by attorneys, there are loose ends that need to be completed when the Judgment is final. Don't let this happen to you! Henry gave Lori Money to pay off their debts --- Henry and Lori completed a simple summary dissolution divorce. On the paperwork, they indicated there were no assets and no debts. They both signed a form stating that. Turns out, there were debts and Henry gave Lori the money to pay them off and remove his name. Today, Henry and his new wife, Linda want to buy a home. Guess what - Lori did not pay off the bills and Henry is still on the hook for these debts. What makes it worse, is that Henry has no recourse because he indicated in his divorce that there were no debts! Doug and Monica - remember them --- Doug was awarded a business/property out of the State of California. Monica should have signed an interspousal transfer deed on this years ago. Now, Doug is selling the property and Monica doesn't want to sign the deed. So Doug's escrow will be interrupted and the entire sale may be jeopardized. If you need a deed or a qdro; don't know how to complete a name change - let us know - we can help. Oh No! Spousal SupportTuesday, January 30, 2007 Those of you who are in the middle of or beginning a California divorce will soon learn what the dreaded words "spousal support" mean. Dreaded because if you are the payor, the spousal support will be too much and if you are the payee, the spousal support will not be enough.The purpose of spousal support is not well defined anywhere so there are a lot of myths as to what spousal support should be. There are those who believe that spousal support should allow both parties to enjoy the same lifestyle as they did when married. There are others who feel that spousal support should serve as a bridge to transition from a married life to a single life. That being said, the goal in California is for both parties to become self supporting some day. You would think a Dissomaster calculation would be enough to figure this out. But that would be way too simple. Spousal support is far more complicated than that! A recent case was heard in the California Court of Appeals regarding a Spousal Support Order issued by an Orange County, CA Judge. This case emphasized that spousal support relates to the standard of living of the marriage - not the lifestyle the parties are living today. The other statutory factors in determining spousal support include: contributions to the supporting spouse’s education, training, or career; the supporting spouse’s ability to pay; the needs of each party, based on the marital standard of living; the obligations and assets of each party; the duration of the marriage; the opportunity for employment without undue interference with the children’s interests; the age and health of the parties; tax consequences; the balance of hardships to the parties; the goal that the supported party be self-supporting within a reasonable period of time; and the fudge factor - any other factors deemed just and equitable by the court. Let us know what you think about spousal support! I Hate You...Now Let's Co-ParentThursday, January 25, 2007 I have been working with Doug and Monica for seven years now. They have been divorced for about five years and have three children together. We are on a retainer of sorts to help them work through post divorce issues as they come up.The thing is, this couple totally does not get along! They would probably rather spit at each other than work together on anything, let alone difficult parenting challenges. The literature encourages parents to get along after divorce "for the sake of the children" and "join together to co-parent". That is probably the ideal. Many divorced people just can't co-parent. So what can they do? I have created an approach to parenting that I call "Side By Side Parenting". That is a way for parents who can't co-parent to work together to help their kids. It goes something like this. Let's say the child is failing in school. He is a smart kid, never had any problems in school - until now. What to do? Try this. Each parent makes a written plan on how they will help the child through this difficult time. Even just a list of ideas - meet with teachers; write a contract; take the child to counseling; review assignments daily; no more sports until grades improve and so on. Then compare lists and mesh them together. Parents can then choose which parts of the plan they will implement. Voila - co-parenting accountability without the emotional background noise. Try it - let me know if it works for you. |